roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
