I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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