I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
