Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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