Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
