Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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