I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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