I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
