Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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