Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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