What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
