We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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