he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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