Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
