Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
