I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
