happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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