My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
