it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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