my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
