And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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