haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
