If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The best revenge is premature balding
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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