You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
