You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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