I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I want her autograph on my taint
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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