I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
