I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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