if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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