well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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