I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
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So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
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I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?