sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.