Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
