True but thats because hes a fetus.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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