Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
