I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
