the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
