god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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