dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
