Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
