I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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