my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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