I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
