Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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