Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
