Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
