I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
