just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
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We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
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There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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