So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
