So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
