in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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