my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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