The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
