In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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