I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
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I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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