Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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