i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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