When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
