Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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