Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
