Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
