I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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