When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
